if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
