Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
