I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
