Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i wish my penis had a tongue
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
