i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
