Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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