sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
