he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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