i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
