what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
