that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize