you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
