apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
