Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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