Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
