I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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