Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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