I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
