When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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