the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
They took my balls.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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