I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
