my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
