Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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