I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
