im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize