The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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