I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
