there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
