need another drink. this is the easiest way
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
