Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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