You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
