I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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