I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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