I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
