Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
