im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
