words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
