tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
