Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
