we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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