I accidentally had phone sex last night
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
