hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
