I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
