Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
