she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
