this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
