Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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