woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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