Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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