I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
