everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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