someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
