Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
