Did I show you my penis last night?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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