Fine. I'll sleep in my office
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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