it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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