I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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